But a whole new book, it seems.
Life has been going up and up until it seems it can't get any better. And then it does.
I can't really say in words what exactly is making me happy, but it feels like love. And it's not the love of I feel for my family, because that would be creepy. And incest.
I mean that feeling that makes your heart almost heat up? You find yourself smiling and your cheeks hurting because you are thinking about them too much?
And I guess the main thing I'm thinking is that it is real, because I'm not completely dopey. And, it started out really... You know volcanic explosions? Yeah, that, but in the chest.
But, now it's sustained and not so wild. This experience actually reminds me of a song (I know, I know) from Buffy the Vampire Slayer - just the first part:
I touch the fire and it freezes me
I look into it and it's black.
Why can't I feel? My skin should crack and peel.
I want the fire back.
I had lost that fire, that caring and compassion. I was losing myself, and I was waiting for someone to pull me out and help me up. No one came.
So I did it my damn self. And I am better because of it. Already I feel more energized, more alive! I have something legitimate to offer someone, who legitimately feels that I am worth more than I would ever think myself to be. It's all... legitimate!
Finding out what you can and cannot do is something you have to find out about yourself. There is not one person out there that can tell you what you should be doing, or who you should be, or what you should be like, or who you should be with and what they should be like.
If America is the place where you are welcome, no matter what, then why is no one seeming to lay out the welcome mat? I don't know, and I don't care. I will lay out the welcome mat for myself. I will be the person I choose to be, and if you judge me for it, then good for you. Will it affect the person I choose to be? Most likely not.
I am a listener. As a reporter, it's my job to listen, not only to the words someone says, but why they say those things. I want to be able to not only tell their story, but understand, and let them know I understand.
Yet, I can't seem to understand why people feel it's okay to not say anything and assume you understand, then maybe get mad or upset because nobody listened. Additionally, I don't understand why it's okay for people to say too much and get mad and upset when they're not listened to.
I will do my best to put myself in your shoes, and understand your point of view. To an extent. When you begin telling me that I am CHOOSING to live my life in a way you don't like, I will think about your concern. If it's concern, I will discuss. If it's judgement, I will flip you off.
No more. No more will I hide behind the person I'm told I should be, or the person people expect me to be. Who I SHOULD be, and who I'm EXPECTED to be, better be the best version of myself I can choose to be.
It's about time I've done a little bit of this "I, I, I" and "Me, me, me." Because, I'm done berating and belittling myself for the betterment of others. I deserve more.
