Respect - It's Not Just an Aretha Franklin Thing

It's taken me a while to realize why I need to blog.  And, more importantly, WHAT I need to blog about.

First of all, it's been a while since I have blogged.  The reason that I started a blog in the first place was to have an outlet where people (future employers) could get to know me, my personal life, and my personality.  I want people to know what I stand for, and why I feel like I would be a valuable asset as a friend or potential employee.

Second of all, I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my brain.  A LOT.  Seriously, it feels like 15 brainstorming sessions in my head, with 20 different people screaming at the top of their lungs to be heard!  Maddening!  The worst part is that I can't hear all of them at once, so they often go unheard.  (That's right, I actually want to listen to the voices in my head.  They're all me, after all, plus they aren't telling me to do awful things!  .... Usually.).  This means that blogging is an outlet for my imagination.  I can write down my ideas and, more importantly, get feedback from others.  I do most of my learning by listening to what others have to say, so why wouldn't I bounce ideas off of people?

Third, and most importantly, I've struggled with wanting to blog because I keep thinking of the things I feel are most important to me.  I am so worried about catering to what other people will think, that I didn't stop to think that, maybe if I wrote what was important to me, and why, maybe it would impact them somehow!

So, starting today, I am working on a major project that will take several months to prepare for - a video blog.  I will write down my thoughts here, convert them into video form, and hopefully reach a larger audience that I can influence to do better for others.

I hope that people will watch and/or read my blogs and realize that there are small ways they can impact someone's life, and the main thing they need to do is open their minds, their hearts and their eyes, and close their mouths.  How else can you find out about what is going on in the world?  More importantly, how else can you learn what YOU can do to make a positive impact?

I think I will be able to do this.  A call to action blog, so to speak.  I won't be asking anyone to do something so crazy and wild that it would be impossible - I'm asking simply for people to try.

There will be more details to come, but I just wanted to make this known.

"Don't be afraid to respect something, even if you don't accept it.  It will make a world of difference if you make a difference in the world, even for just one person."

I was Born... A Nerd

On September 20, 1989, my parents, brother and sister welcomed me into the world.  And everyone was happy… Except for me.  I was crying!

But, little did they know, I was not who they thought I was.  I was... a nerd.

As I grew and came to this realization, I didn’t want to be a nerd at all.  People made fun of me, called me names, like “geek” and “freak” and “weirdo.”  I tried so hard.  I tried to like sports.  And think that playing sports was what I needed to do, the right thing to do.

But I was always drawn to nerdy people.  I wanted to know more about them, what they were like, how they lived as a nerdy person.

They told me that living life as a nerd was not easy.  Many people, once they found out they were nerds, changed their opinions.  And, of course, there was the obvious fact that they couldn’t subscribe to car magazines, and were frequently denied the right to fix and make cars.

I wanted to subscribe to car magazines, and so badly wanted to fix and make cars.  But, I didn’t want to go through life as a nerd, having people continue to call me “geek” and “freak” and “weirdo.”

But I was fighting myself.  I was becoming tired, worn out and depressed.  I was denying who I was to appease everyone else’s beliefs.  I was scared to accept who I was, but worse, I was scared that people wouldn’t.

But I decided to tell my family.  Right now, it’s about two months shy of a year that I told my parents.  I told them I was a nerd.

I told mom first, and she said, “I know.”  She added that she didn’t want this life for me, but she did still and will always love me.  She was scared for my future.  “I’m scared you’ll end up like Bill Gates, or one of those kids that is absorbed in books, or gets absorbed in games.”  But she said she would be here for me, no matter what.  It made me cry – a happy cry.

Dad… was a different story.  I told him without actually saying the words, “I’m a nerd,” and his world came crashing down.  He wants a son that is a jock, who would have sports cars.  He was scared his family line would be full of nerds.

He’s come around a little since then.  I still have yet to tell my grandparents that, not only am I a nerd, but that I am in a nerdy relationship.

Even though I feel better with myself, I’m still scared sometimes.  What if I do end up like Bill Gates, or get absorbed in games, simply because I’m a nerd?

The thing that scares me the most is that I may never be able to subscribe to car magazines, or fix and make cars.  I’ve dreamed of that my whole life.

Even now, as I’ve gotten older, I’m still called “geek” and “freak” and “weirdo.”  It’s incredibly unfair.  It hurts that people look at me and only see that I’m a nerd, not the many other wonderful qualities and not-so-wonderful qualities about me.  No.  All they see is me, and to them all I am is a nerd.

Not too awful a story, eh?  Now, do the following.  Replace the following words and phrases in RED with the words and phrases in BLUE, and then read again.

A nerd, nerdy, nerds.................... gay

Geek, freak, weirdo .................... homo, faggot, fag, shit dick, filth, pervert, sinner, etc. (interchangeable.)

Sports .................... girls

Playing sports .................... sleeping with girls

Subscribe to car magazines .................... marry

Fix and make cars .................... adopt or have kids somehow

Bill Gates .................... Matthew Shepard

Is absorbed in books .................... commit suicide

Absorbed in games .................... gets murdered

A jock .................... straight

Sports cars .................... kids

Be full of nerds .................... end

Now, read again.  Like this:

On September 20, 1989, my parents, brother and sister welcomed me into the world.  And everyone was happy… Except for me.  I was crying!

But, little did they know, I was not who they thought I was.  I was... gay.

As I grew and came to this realization, I didn’t want to be gay at all.  People made fun of me, called me names, like “homo” and “faggot” and “shit dick.”  I tried so hard.  I tried to like girls.  And think that sleeping with girls was what I needed to do, the right thing to do.

But I was always drawn to gay people.  I wanted to know more about them, what they were like, how they lived as a gay person.

They told me that living life as gay was not easy.  Many people, once they found out they were gay, changed their opinions.  And, of course, there was the obvious fact that they couldn’t marry, and were frequently denied the right to adopt or have kids somehow.

I wanted to marry, and so badly wanted to adopt.  But, I didn’t want to go through life as gay, having people continue to call me “pervert” and “sinner” and “filth.”

But I was fighting myself.  I was becoming tired, worn out and depressed.  I was denying who I was to appease everyone else’s beliefs.  I was scared to accept who I was, but worse, I was scared that people wouldn’t.

But I decided to tell my family.  Right now, it’s about two months shy of a year that I told my parents.  I told them I was gay.

I told mom first, and she said, “I know.”  She added that she didn’t want this life for me, but she did still and will always love me.  She was scared for my future.  “I’m scared you’ll end up like Matthew Shepard, or one of those kids that commits suicide, or gets murdered.”  But she said she would be here for me, no matter what.  It made me cry – a happy cry.

Dad… was a different story.  I told him without actually saying the words, “I’m gay,” and his world came crashing down.  He wants a son that is straight, who would have kids.  He was scared his family line would end.

He’s come around a little since then.  I still have yet to tell my grandparents that, not only am I a gay, but that I am in a gay relationship.

Even though I feel better with myself, I’m still scared sometimes.  What if I do end up like Matthew Shepherd, or get murdered, simply because I’m gay?

The thing that scares me the most is that I can’t marry, and may never be able to adopt or have kids somehow.  I’ve dreamed of that my whole life.

Even now, as I’ve gotten older, I’m still called “sinner” and “faggot” and “pervert.”  It’s incredibly unfair.  It hurts that people look at me and only see that I’m gay, not the many other wonderful qualities and not-so-wonderful qualities about me.  No.  All they see is me, and to them all I am is gay.

Changing a few words makes all the difference, doesn’t it?