When Things Get Rough... Use Sandpaper

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

I love this quote, although I'm not sure if it would apply to me.  Not that I don't consider myself tough - I can hold my own, be patient beyond all normalcy, and could probably fight my way out of a random attack.  But it just seems like there's always something more that I could do.

I didn't save enough money, or I didn't say or do the right thing.  I couldn't afford this or it was too difficult for me to accomplish. 

All these things I wish I could do and haven't done.  Does that make me weak?  Unlucky?  Cursed forever to not have anything I want, whether it be normalcy, acceptance, trust, or love?

I just can't get it out of my head that there's something I'm doing wrong, something that makes me unappealing, to the point where I have no real friends.  But then, on that note, I argue with myself.  "If you were to call 'Jane Doe,' and tell her that you need her help now, would she come and help you?  What about 'John Doe?'"

I can answer yes for several names inserted into this question.  I know people who would come to me if I was in a bad situation - I've had people tell me repeatedly to call them if I need anything, or just to come over, or that they're there for me...

But I never call.  Is that why I'm alone?  Am I choosing to be?  And why?  I don't want to be alone!  I want love, and a lasting relationship, and happiness!  I want all of this, and yet... I am choosing to not have it?  Do I not want myself happy?  Do I despise myself that much, that I would keep myself in misery for my entire life?

Did I really do nothing wrong in my last failed relationship?  Or the one before that.  Huh, 2 relationships in 4 years, and one only lasted a month.

I am alone.  When I need someone, I don't call.  When I want someone, I don't call.  But my big problem is: would someone need me, or want me?  It always seems like someone can call someone they are closer to, or someone they trust more.  Or love more.

Why can't that someone be me?  Here's my main question:  Am I choosing to be alone, or am I alone by someone choosing someone else?

I tend to over-think, and over-complicate matters.  I tend to make jokes, and try to be funny.  I tend to talk tough and say "I'm fine."  But, at the end of the day, when someone else has found their Romeo, or their Juliet, I want that.  But, maybe that's not what I need.

Maybe I need sandpaper.  Someone who will help me get rid of the rough edges, the scars that aren't visible, the worry lines on my aging face - they won't go away.  I worry all the time.  I stress all the time.  I'm sad.  All the time.

But, nobody uses sandpaper.  They use their smooth hands to pat.  It does nothing.  Will I ever find someone who can, and wants to, and truly feels like they should, take the time to sandpaper the rough person that is me?

Will I?

So, I went and filmed at the Fred Meyer Night last night, where it was rumored there would be giveaways, cool prizes and fun for the new college students.

The only problem: I received their "goody bag" of items for the back-to-school college student, and I think I'm doing this whole school thing wrong.  I need to be taking more pain killers, grow my hair longer, worry more about age lines and use my doors as my closet.

Let me explain.

I received a brown paper bag, and when I asked what was inside, the employee managing the bin said "random stuff."

Oh boy!  I wouldn't get the same thing as everyone else!  Maybe it would be like elementary school, where I'd have something someone else wanted, and I'd swap, and be popular!

But, alas.  I received a bottle of Naproxen, Loreal hair care samples, simply ageless samples, and an over-the-door plastic hanger.

Uh, WHAT!?!?!

I'm a student!  I was looking for pencils, pens, a dinky calculator, maybe, just maybe, even an eraser or paper clips.  But pain reliever?  Pain Reliever???


In today's society, many people experience a slight discomfort in their pinky, and pop 4 Advil or Tylenol.  I, however, do not take pain relievers, because I am hardly ever in pain.

So, looking on the bright side - like I always like to do - maybe I'm just complaining about a joke.  Maybe they simply wanted to get students there to buy school stuff.  Which, I did.  Two 5-subject notebooks for five dollars.  Not bad.

So, thank you to Fred Meyer for the giveaway.  When people say it's the thought that counts, in this case, it really is.

Good night. I love you.

So, how many people, in their families, have some type of tradition before going to bed?  For example, in my family, after you've brushed your teeth and washed your face, you go to Mom and Dad and say good night, give them hugs, and tell them that you love them.

I never really thought about it until recently, but I realized what an important part of my day this has been for so many years of my life.  In my family, a lot of the decisions and opinions revolve around "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best."  So, when you hug your parents and say goodnight, and tell them that you love them, it's not just something to do for the sake of doing it.

What if there's a fire in the night?  Or a gas leak?  What if you don't wake up in the morning, or what if they don't?  Or maybe you run late in the morning and don't get to see each other off for the day, and there's an accident?

In these worrisome and busy times, no one really stops to appreciate what they have.  I always say I'm a poor college student, and I am.  But, that only refers to money.  Rich and poor have so many different meanings

I have two parents that are still married and have been there for me, guiding and accepting.  I have a sister who gets it, and is always there when I need her.  I have a brother, who is always willing to offer a word of advice.  I have my grandparents, who know me well enough to be able to tell me just what I need to hear. 

And, certainly not least,  I have my friends.  Each one is my friend for different reasons, and each one sees those flaws in me and is kind enough not to tell me when to knock it off.

So, before you go to bed each night, as morbid as it sounds, think about what you may miss tomorrow.  I know it's irresponsible and not at all feasible to live each day like your last, but the important thing to think about is your regrets.  Do you regret something from yesterday?  Last week?  Least year?  Could you possibly resolve them?  Is it really worth it to just let it sit in the back or front of your mind?  Try to resolve it.  When you go to bed each night, if you are bearing a load, try to address it.

Maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to breathe easier, or live better, or have a good night's sleep, simply because you have made a little peace.  So, with that...

Good night.  I love you.