When Things Get Rough... Use Sandpaper

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

I love this quote, although I'm not sure if it would apply to me.  Not that I don't consider myself tough - I can hold my own, be patient beyond all normalcy, and could probably fight my way out of a random attack.  But it just seems like there's always something more that I could do.

I didn't save enough money, or I didn't say or do the right thing.  I couldn't afford this or it was too difficult for me to accomplish. 

All these things I wish I could do and haven't done.  Does that make me weak?  Unlucky?  Cursed forever to not have anything I want, whether it be normalcy, acceptance, trust, or love?

I just can't get it out of my head that there's something I'm doing wrong, something that makes me unappealing, to the point where I have no real friends.  But then, on that note, I argue with myself.  "If you were to call 'Jane Doe,' and tell her that you need her help now, would she come and help you?  What about 'John Doe?'"

I can answer yes for several names inserted into this question.  I know people who would come to me if I was in a bad situation - I've had people tell me repeatedly to call them if I need anything, or just to come over, or that they're there for me...

But I never call.  Is that why I'm alone?  Am I choosing to be?  And why?  I don't want to be alone!  I want love, and a lasting relationship, and happiness!  I want all of this, and yet... I am choosing to not have it?  Do I not want myself happy?  Do I despise myself that much, that I would keep myself in misery for my entire life?

Did I really do nothing wrong in my last failed relationship?  Or the one before that.  Huh, 2 relationships in 4 years, and one only lasted a month.

I am alone.  When I need someone, I don't call.  When I want someone, I don't call.  But my big problem is: would someone need me, or want me?  It always seems like someone can call someone they are closer to, or someone they trust more.  Or love more.

Why can't that someone be me?  Here's my main question:  Am I choosing to be alone, or am I alone by someone choosing someone else?

I tend to over-think, and over-complicate matters.  I tend to make jokes, and try to be funny.  I tend to talk tough and say "I'm fine."  But, at the end of the day, when someone else has found their Romeo, or their Juliet, I want that.  But, maybe that's not what I need.

Maybe I need sandpaper.  Someone who will help me get rid of the rough edges, the scars that aren't visible, the worry lines on my aging face - they won't go away.  I worry all the time.  I stress all the time.  I'm sad.  All the time.

But, nobody uses sandpaper.  They use their smooth hands to pat.  It does nothing.  Will I ever find someone who can, and wants to, and truly feels like they should, take the time to sandpaper the rough person that is me?

Will I?