Looking Up... and Looking Forward

So, I decided not to be down and out anymore.  That does no one any good, especially me. 

Instead, I'm going to do two different types of looking.  Up, and forward.  I will no longer be looking down and back (horseshoe term!) because, again, I want to be positive.

I am taking strides to becoming more positive, and more confident - both are issues I've struggled with for a long time.  I can be positive in looking up and forward, and I can be confident in looking up and forward.

Being positive while looking up:  When I look up in a big open space, I have an irrational fear I can't explain.  I have the fear of falling up.  The fear that gravity will suddenly shift, and everything, including me, will fall into the atmosphere.  I don't know why I have this fear, I just do.  It's not so overwhelming that I never go in an open field, or never look up and enjoy the clouds or stars.

But lately, that's all I've been doing - looking up and being afraid.  Being negative.  Worrying.  And it's starting to affect every aspect of my life.  My short temper, my lack of caring, and inability to get rid of the dark circles under my eyes.  And those forehead wrinkles.  Hrmph.

So, I'm going to look up and think good things.  And think those things with confidence.  I will NOT fall into the sky due to a sudden shift of gravity and I will not fear falling because I'm looking up.  Besides, if I'm looking down, people won't be able to see the confident smile on my face.  And I've been told I have a nice smile.

Being positive while looking forward:  Who knows what will happen in the future?  I sure don't.  But I can dream, and I can plan.  I can hope.  But most importantly, I can care.  And I do care.  But I can't just tell people that I do, I have to show them. 

I have always had issues with being confident.  I care too much about what other people think, especially when it comes to appearance or how I act.  Getting into the broadcast business is not going to help that.  So I have to help myself.

I like the idea of accepting compliments and not having to keep myself down by parrying with a negative remark at my expense.  For example, "That was a really good story, Chris!"  "Hey, thanks!"  No problem there.  But, when it comes to ME, as a person, friend or lover....... "Chris, you really know how to make me laugh."  "Well, that's because you just look at my face."

Jokes are nice, and I like having a sense of humor, but when it comes down to them being at my expense?  Not very healthy.  So, something to work on.

I'm in this life for a reason.  I want to do something good with this life, because it's the only one I have.  Why should I be sad?  There are so many good things about my life, and most importantly, I know now that I'm not in it alone.  And maybe, just maybe, I'm not meant to be alone forever.  Or, at least, not alone all day, every day, in every way.

I have friends, and I know it.  I can tell them anything, and I know that they don't judge, and genuinely want to help me.  And not because they feel sorry for me - because they like me as a person.  And that person I want to be is not depressed.

Now, to work on that whole "relationship" thing......